allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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