I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
