Is it because I queefed?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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