I just threw up on my dentist
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We had to coat check the pizza.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
