Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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