My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
