That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
