I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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