I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
tequila makes me forget i have legs
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
