The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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