I need to stop coming to work sober
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
