Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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