I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
