Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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