i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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