I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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