i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
