Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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