it wasn't lemon gatorade
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
