cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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