At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
