Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
