The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
