You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
