o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
