You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
