I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm at about main and main street
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
