I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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