Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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