you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
