get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
