You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
