Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
