i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
