one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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