I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
