pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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