when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
