so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
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And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
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Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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