I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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