I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
