He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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