he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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