No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
