I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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