I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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