I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
