A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
