i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
