My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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