Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
NoShamevember. You game?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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