dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
