I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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