I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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