Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
