I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
