she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
